If you're attending a Kyrgyz wedding as a guest or simply curious about the wedding culture, it is a captivating mix of rituals, food, and heartfelt moments. The end of summer and the fall season is the prime time to host a wedding. I've heard that this is because people (mostly entrepreneurs) tend to earn the most money during the summer season and, therefore have more money to spend in the fall. That's why most weddings are hosted then when the hot summer passes and the weather starts to cool down.
Throughout my span of living in Kyrgyzstan for one and a half years, I attended four weddings.
I want to note that Kyrgyz weddings are not all the same and it depends on how "modern" a couple may want to have it. Considering that my friends were based in Bishkek, I think my experience may be different compared to if you attend a more "traditional" wedding in rural areas of Kyrgyzstan.
So, before I start sharing my experience, let's dive into the marriage traditions in Kyrgyzstan first.
MARRIAGE TRADITIONS IN KYRGYZSTAN
According to data from the National Statistical Committee of the Kyrgyz Republic, the average age at first marriage for women is approximately 23-24 years, while for men it is slightly higher, around 25-26 years. I can attest to this as I'm in my mid-late 20's and in the weddings that I attended, the bride and grooms were in their mid 20's. This was a culture shock to me because back in Canada, none of my friends were married yet or even engaged.
Traditionally, marriages in Kyrgyzstan occurred at a younger age, often in the late teens or early twenties. However, recent trends indicate a shift towards later marriages, particularly in urban areas where educational and career opportunities are more accessible. I've been asked the dreaded question, "So, when are you getting married?" many times throughout my time in Kyrgyzstan. I've never felt burdened by this, but considering the cultural factors in Kyrgyzstan, I can understand why someone my age who's not married can be a concern to them.
While you're in Kyrgyzstan, you may hear the term "toy" or "toi" quite often. This refers to any grand celebration such as weddings, birthdays, and important milestones.
MY EXPERIENCE AT A KYRGYZ WEDDING
As I mentioned, I was fortunate to be a guest at four weddings. Each was different but I saw many similarities across as well. There are a few things I learned about Kyrgyz weddings and one is that Kyrgyz weddings are often grand affairs and a way to showcase signs of wealth. I heard that parents are usually responsible for paying for the wedding, and the more extravagant your venue, attire, and scale of celebration is, the more "wealthy" you look. I honestly think it's just a way for parents to show off to the large number of guests they invite and to emphasize the family's wealth and social standing. I have also heard of situations where families take out loans to pay for the wedding, which I believe should never be the case.
Another thing I learned is that Kyrgyz weddings are not a simple ceremony, but truly a month-long affair. I can break it down into three main events that occur, each being very different:
Engagement (Kuda Tushuu)
Similar to the West, a groom proposes to the bride. However, it's considered an engagement through the event called a Kuda Tushuu. This is a small event, just between the bride and groom's immediate family and a few close friends. In this engagement, usually, earrings are gifted to the bride by the groom's family. This is usually the bride and groom's first time meeting and this act symbolizes the approval of the engagement and upcoming wedding between the couple. I've seen Kyrgyzstan put less emphasis on the ring compared to the West, because it's not as significant compared to the actual event of having a Kuda Tushuu. The earrings are often worn during the wedding ceremony and other related festivities.
Bride's Ceremony (Kyz Uzatuu)
Next is the Kyz Uzatuu ceremony, which is deeply rooted in Kyrgyz culture and serves as a farewell event for the bride, as she is now becoming part of the groom's family. This event is all about the bride and typically takes place at the bride's home or a venue chosen by her family. During this event, the bride wears traditional attire, often a dress with a hijab or headdress. The attire symbolizes her transition from being a daughter in her parents' home to becoming a wife in her new household. On the groom's side, only the groom and one to three supporters will come along. On the bride's side, typically their entire family and few friends will attend.
A lavish feast is prepared and more traditional aspects are incorporated such as where the men kill a sheep which is then eaten. I've seen friends hold a Kyz Uzatuu at home, and have seen friends hold it at a venue. One interesting thing about Kyz Uzatuu is the bride's family will prepare a large number of beautifully packaged gifts for the couple and things for them to use in their future home such as blankets, household goods, personal items, etc.
I attended a Kyz Uzatuu that took place at a venue and it was quite a grand event with over 100 guests. I do want to note that this event is usually not attended by males and is a significant event. If you are not invited to this, don't be saddened by it!
Wedding Ceremony (Toi)
Start and End
I've seen the ceremony typically start between 5:00 to 6:00 PM and end at 11:00 PM or midnight. Once you arrive at the venue, there's usually a coat check available for you to drop off your coats and bags.
Clothing
Tois are a way for women to wear their fanciest dresses, and tallest heels, and have their makeup and hair done. I usually wear a simple black dress with black heels. One thing to note is that you should not wear anything that is too revealing such as something short or exposes the chest or back area. People in Kyrgyzstan tend to be conservative and don't suggest wearing something exposed. Men usually wear suits or a nice dress shirt with pants. The following is the outfit I wore to an outdoor wedding in Issyk-Kul.
Food
The best reason as to why you should attend a toi is hands down the food. As soon as you're seated there will be a variety of dishes, appetizers, salads, and baked goods already on the table. As soon as the ceremony starts, you will soon be able to start eating.
Don't be like me and get full from these, this is just the beginning. What happens is you will eat, dance, play games, eat, dance, eat, dance throughout the entire night. So after eating the dishes on the table, you'll be soon served soups, and main dishes such as trout, plov, and beshbarmak with large pieces of horse meat. So space out your stomach so you can enjoy all the various dishes.
What I love is at the beginning the toi, you will be given a container and a plastic bag. Whatever food you have left, the waiters will put it in the container for you to take back home. At the end of the toi, whatever food is left, you can take it. I love to take any breads and fruits.
Unlike the West, you don't see many people getting "drunk" or drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I was told that it's common to not drink in front of your family or elders. Now, I have seen cases where after the toi, close friends of the groom and bride will usually host an "after-party" at a karaoke bar, or restaurant where younger people tend to drink.
Gifts
Unlike the West, registries do not exist here. Here, cash is king as a wedding gift and there might be a specific time during the toi for everyone to place their envelopes in the middle. If not, I recommend you give it to the groom at a quiet time.
As a rule of thumb, the monetary gift that you can give is 5000 Kyrgyz soms per person. If you're just one person, I would suggest gifting 5000 Kyrgyz soms but if you're a couple, you can give 10,000 Kyrgyz soms or 100 USD.
Activities
Tois are vibrant celebrations and it is filled with various activities and performances. Music and dance are integral parts and throughout the night, there will be plenty of chances to get up and dance at the middle of the dance floor. Usually, a musician or artist will be hired to perform. I attended a toi and 7 different artists performed! Also, you may see different performances from professional dancers.
There is going to be many speeches throughout the night. Groups will go up, starting with the elderly to the couple's friends. A select few will be responsible for giving a speech to the couple.
There is always an MC that hosts these events and they tend to host games such as dance competitions, trivia, etc. I'm happy to say that I participated once and won a water heater!
From the heartfelt ceremonies to the elegant attire, you’ll witness traditions that have been lovingly preserved through generations. As you celebrate alongside the bride and groom, you’ll not only gain a deeper appreciation for Kyrgyz customs but also create memories that will last a lifetime.
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